In the middle of the night-awake in the hospital feeling beat up and scared and lost, this article (see below) popped up; a woman who has had a life a lot like mine. Both disease-wise and just very active and normal (which I sometimes kinda forget)
She even writes about what happened to her sense of who she was, putting words to that loss of identity which is so hard.
Comforting to remember I was not always like this; helpless almost immovable now, and having so much pain, nausea, brain fog and fatigue when I’m not in hospital – but active and hardworking (actually, also in pain etc).
And even writing that makes me think. So that is how I think I «should» be? To be what; worthy, good enough, a person? Judging my own human condition.
One of the people who came in my room said «we forget that we are human BEings, not human DOings»
just like my darling Camilla has taught me so lovingly, importantly, before. But oh yes how I forget that. Because it is so difficult to feel worth anything when I’m not that person doing what «everyone» is doing anymore; working, earning, capable, free, normal.
not the first time thinking this, far from it. I have become aware of the deep roots of identity, of fundamental feeling of worthiness through these last years. (Through often not feeling it). And how I can often struggle to try to seem worth something. What is a human? Or an animal? A tree, a plant?
Am I this skin and these bones, or my thoughts, my hours in front of computers and doing dishes, cleaning offices, treating pasients, doing experiments, teaching? Sleeping? Walking? Travelling? Loving? Or am I something deeper than all that – as well as all that?
In addition, this article gives some really good facts about endometriosis and adenomyosis, treatments, myths.