Care and surrender

Standard

The shower. Goosebumps all over, pleasure

the warm water a restful touch

something other than discomfort, pain, needles

even if the gnawing in my thighs, legs, belly is always here now

I am standing up on my own, can move my feet

day four

last night was torture

 

I surrender into body

I am good at this

all that I am

body, sensations, how it feels to touch and be in, pleasure, pain, numb

 

remember the second evening at hospital

helped to a soft seat

washcloth, soft light

cleaning away, sweat, fear, anesthesia, tears

then the cloth on my back

so vulnerable nakedness, hospital gown in my lap

defenceless; I can’t move – neurosurgery and semiparalyzed legs

undressed with all my flaws visible

she even rubbed body lotion on my back

I put on my own t-shirt

that someone fetched from the suitcase I packed ages ago

what is in there for them to see?

 

someone taking care of me

I surrender

such a rare ability

 

Toothbrush

mirror

my eyes

alone a minute, sitting wobbly

I’m here

this is my life, right now, this is me

 

I got out of that bed

once more

Mount Everest

 

Surrender

drop in

there is no way around

just through

 

 

 

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